The Female Fitness Fear Factor


I love how women are deathly afraid of “getting big, bulky muscles” when they talk about choosing a fitness program… as if they could accidentally wake up one morning and look like a bodybuilder. Meanwhile, guys are in the gym suffering and killing themselves, downing protein drinks and supplements, trying to get that chiseled, bulky look and maybe 2% of them succeed before losing motivation or burning out.

It’s kind of like not wanting to take a community college science course because you’re afraid you’ll get a Physics PhD. Ladies, please understand, it’s like avoiding going into the kitchen because you’re afraid you’ll accidentally bake a cake… meanwhile, there’s a hundred guys in the kitchen, all wearing chef’s hats, covered in flour, open Duncan Hines boxes everywhere, ovens fired up, bowls full of broken eggs, cookbooks studied and highlighted… and only two of them have managed to make batter… and they’re all highly motivated bakers, because all that these guys have heard and believed without question since they were very young was, “If you can ‘bake a really good cake’ you will be admired, no one will mess with you and you WILL get sex.” Every television commercial and action movie they’ve ever seen where a man gets to have a hot girl on his arm portrays that man wearing an apron and sporting a bundt pan… So these guys arrive ready to bake! Still, one hundred dudes… two cakes.

So, here are my tips for aspiring fit females:

1) You will not get veiny, bulging biceps or shoulders if you train with equipment that is pink.

2) You are in NO danger of suddenly losing your soft curves if you avoid daily training routines that make it feel like your head is going to explode or that your lungs are about to burn their way out of your chest cavity.

3) If you accidentally train daily for a month until you are soaked in sweat and your muscles scream for mercy, then, through some cruel twist of fate, you end up eating half a cup of brown rice, one chicken breast, a half cup of carrots, one protein shake, amino acid supplements, a quarter cup of raw almonds and a half cup of broccoli as your daily diet, DON’T PANIC. One week of television marathons and $20 worth of Ben and Jerry’s will undo ALL the damage you have done during that month.

Rest easy. Go exercise with impunity.



About spence.

i am a comedian. a prodigious, professional provider of comedy ha-ha-hospitality, endorphin dealer and denture wearer. View all posts by spence.

One response to “The Female Fitness Fear Factor

  • sammysamgurl

    This is so true, it takes a lot of effort for me to gain any muscle! I lift heavy/eat super high protein as well :). It’s just natural for women to be softer so it takes a little more work to get that bulky look.

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