The Female Fitness Fear Factor

I love how women are deathly afraid of “getting big, bulky muscles” when they talk about choosing a fitness program… as if they could accidentally wake up one morning and look like a bodybuilder. Meanwhile, guys are in the gym suffering and killing themselves, downing protein drinks and supplements, trying to get that chiseled, bulky look and maybe 2% of them succeed before losing motivation or burning out.

It’s kind of like not wanting to take a community college science course because you’re afraid you’ll get a Physics PhD. Ladies, please understand, it’s like avoiding going into the kitchen because you’re afraid you’ll accidentally bake a cake… meanwhile, there’s a hundred guys in the kitchen, all wearing chef’s hats, covered in flour, open Duncan Hines boxes everywhere, ovens fired up, bowls full of broken eggs, cookbooks studied and highlighted… and only two of them have managed to make batter… and they’re all highly motivated bakers, because all that these guys have heard and believed without question since they were very young was, “If you can ‘bake a really good cake’ you will be admired, no one will mess with you and you WILL get sex.” Every television commercial and action movie they’ve ever seen where a man gets to have a hot girl on his arm portrays that man wearing an apron and sporting a bundt pan… So these guys arrive ready to bake! Still, one hundred dudes… two cakes.

So, here are my tips for aspiring fit females:

1) You will not get veiny, bulging biceps or shoulders if you train with equipment that is pink.

2) You are in NO danger of suddenly losing your soft curves if you avoid daily training routines that make it feel like your head is going to explode or that your lungs are about to burn their way out of your chest cavity.

3) If you accidentally train daily for a month until you are soaked in sweat and your muscles scream for mercy, then, through some cruel twist of fate, you end up eating half a cup of brown rice, one chicken breast, a half cup of carrots, one protein shake, amino acid supplements, a quarter cup of raw almonds and a half cup of broccoli as your daily diet, DON’T PANIC. One week of television marathons and $20 worth of Ben and Jerry’s will undo ALL the damage you have done during that month.

Rest easy. Go exercise with impunity.

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The Blatant Miss Universe Pageant Scam

Many people feel there is something rotten about the very nature of beauty pageants. I’m fine with them. I like beautiful women, what can I say? I will say this though, with regards to the biggest sham of a pageant of all time, the “Miss Universe” pageant. In case you have missed the glaringly obvious and still believe that pro wrestling is real, allow me to point out the corrupt and biased nature of this once venerable event.

Who wins Miss Universe… every time? An Earth girl. I know our women are attractive, intelligent and charitable, but EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME!?!?!? I know, I know. Who is it hurting? No one, right? Wrong. It’s hurting us. We used to be a planet of integrity that would never rig a beauty pageant. We lived in a world where men were men, Julys were for fireworks and whales were for corsets and lamp oil. No more.

And do you know how it’s going to hurt us most? We are PISSING OFF the Martians! You may think of them as a backwards culture of canal dwelling bacteria but they have feelings and if we continue to make a mockery of their females by shafting them at pageant time, the tiny destroyer armada which they are now building will arrive at our planet sometime in the year 2736 and tiny hell will come with them.

I hope you will join me this year in supporting an extra-terrestrial winner at this year’s Miss Universe pageant. It’s simple enough. Cheer loudly for Miss Mars during the evening gown competition. Let the judges know who is the crowd favorite. The life of your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandchild may depend on it.

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