confessions of a tough guy.

I have something personal to share. It’s nothing I am ashamed of, just something that I don’t usually share with strangers. I was born without nipples. I had these tattooed on. They were done in Thailand by a one-eyed fisherman with a cleft lip and a rusty needle. I asked for anchors… the fucker gave me nipples. I was pissed. Apparently, in the Thai language, the words for “anchor” and “give me nipples”… are very similar. To pronounce the word for anchor, you have to roll your tongue and throw your uvula over your left shoulder, but I was born without a prehensile uvula so I cannot say “anchor” in Thai and when Tweety-bird is in my throat, he cannot box the speed bag.

I knew it would hurt, so I asked for a bullet to bite down on, but apparently, in Thai, the words for “bullet” and “Will your cow give me sympathy”… are also very similar. When I found this out, of course, I refused and bore the pain without the aid of bovine condolences.

I’m pretty tough like that. I eat Rangers and Seals for breakfast. Not Navy seals, real seals… and Lone Rangers… for breakfast. Incidentally, if you are going to eat a seal, don’t eat the big colorful ball, turns out it’s not edible. Think of it as a garnish.

spence.

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About spence.

i am a comedian. a prodigious, professional provider of comedy ha-ha-hospitality, endorphin dealer and denture wearer. View all posts by spence.

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