Many people feel there is something rotten about the very nature of beauty pageants. I’m fine with them. I like beautiful women, what can I say? I will say this though, with regards to the biggest sham of a pageant of all time, the “Miss Universe” pageant. In case you have missed the glaringly obvious and still believe that pro wrestling is real, allow me to point out the corrupt and biased nature of this once venerable event.
Who wins Miss Universe… every time? An Earth girl. I know our women are attractive, intelligent and charitable, but EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME!?!?!? I know, I know. Who is it hurting? No one, right? Wrong. It’s hurting us. We used to be a planet of integrity that would never rig a beauty pageant. We lived in a world where men were men, Julys were for fireworks and whales were for corsets and lamp oil. No more.
And do you know how it’s going to hurt us most? We are PISSING OFF the Martians! You may think of them as a backwards culture of canal dwelling bacteria but they have feelings and if we continue to make a mockery of their females by shafting them at pageant time, the tiny destroyer armada which they are now building will arrive at our planet sometime in the year 2736 and tiny hell will come with them.
I hope you will join me this year in supporting an extra-terrestrial winner at this year’s Miss Universe pageant. It’s simple enough. Cheer loudly for Miss Mars during the evening gown competition. Let the judges know who is the crowd favorite. The life of your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandchild may depend on it.