Author Archives: spence.

About spence.

i am a comedian. a prodigious, professional provider of comedy ha-ha-hospitality, endorphin dealer and denture wearer.

animal testing.

I want to take a few moments to speak with you all about something that may not affect your everyday life but is nevertheless going on all the time. It is cruel, inhumane and wrong. We need to do what we can to stop animal testing. I am vehemently opposed to animal testing in several fundamental ways:

1) CRUEL
I read that in Germany, they subject kennels full of dachshunds to standardized tests such as the SAT, MCAT, LSAT and more. These poor little dogs can hardly hold a number two pencil and yet their little paws are pressed down on scantron sheets for hours with few breaks for water and walkies. These loving, unquestioning and loyal canines are then forced to apply to schools that, quite frankly, most of them can’t afford without financial aid, which is scarce in the German university system. Most of them will never even be accepted.

2) NEEDLESS
These tests are not adjusted to determine animal aptitude. They are, therefore wildly inaccurate and irrelevant in their results. Is it really an indication of a “superior” animal when the critter has attended an extensive test prep course or instead simply an example of “teaching to the test”? When a cheetah, the fastest land animal, is unable to finish a test in the alotted time, has the cat failed or has the system failed in its inflexibility? Should a horse raised in the country and a monkey raised in a city pet shop be given the same word problems? What do we actually learn from animal testing?

3) UNFAIR
Do you think these tests are fair to all the animals who are subjected to them? Ask “Pretty Roy”, a dyslexic myna bird from the East Indies, who can barely squawk out “Roy wants a Karcker.” without embarrassment and humiliation by the other birds, let alone apply the Pythagorean theorem correctly to geometry problems. How about Clive, a Portuguese boa constrictor, who does not even speak English as a first language? How does Clive or any other non-native reptile make reading comprehension commentary or classic literary analysis on a text written for another culture, and often written in a completely different time period, long before they were ever born and/or hatched?

Let’s think out of the box here. Please let’s let go of old interspecies educational paradigms. These varmints, pooches, kitties, serpents, rodents and marsupials alike deserve our love and respect. They are our cuddly companions not guinea pigs for our curricular convenience. (Unless they are actually Guinea Pigs.) Instead of taking your cute, lop-eared albino bunny to a tutor for work on its vocabulary, maybe spoil the little fellow for a day at the spa. Get the little man a shampoo, get his little nails painted, maybe treat him to some fancy and expensive mascara or eye shadow. People who say they can’t really tell if an animal is happy or sad have never looked closely at the smile of a rabbit wearing a fabulous shade of Yves Saint Laurent lipstick.

spence.

Ha. Ha. I’m so clever, but seriously, stop fucking with the animals with product testing.

They didn’t ask for it and if they could, they wouldn’t.

Click here to find out about who’s naughty and nice.


confessions of a tough guy.

I have something personal to share. It’s nothing I am ashamed of, just something that I don’t usually share with strangers. I was born without nipples. I had these tattooed on. They were done in Thailand by a one-eyed fisherman with a cleft lip and a rusty needle. I asked for anchors… the fucker gave me nipples. I was pissed. Apparently, in the Thai language, the words for “anchor” and “give me nipples”… are very similar. To pronounce the word for anchor, you have to roll your tongue and throw your uvula over your left shoulder, but I was born without a prehensile uvula so I cannot say “anchor” in Thai and when Tweety-bird is in my throat, he cannot box the speed bag.

I knew it would hurt, so I asked for a bullet to bite down on, but apparently, in Thai, the words for “bullet” and “Will your cow give me sympathy”… are also very similar. When I found this out, of course, I refused and bore the pain without the aid of bovine condolences.

I’m pretty tough like that. I eat Rangers and Seals for breakfast. Not Navy seals, real seals… and Lone Rangers… for breakfast. Incidentally, if you are going to eat a seal, don’t eat the big colorful ball, turns out it’s not edible. Think of it as a garnish.

spence.


i should be on iron chef.

This holiday season, try something a little different.

ORCTURDUCKEN FLAMBE ALA OCEANA

You put the duck in the chicken, inside a turkey and feed it to a killer whale, light the whale on fire and set it free. You don’t get to eat it this way, but even if I weren’t a vegetarian, I wouldn’t eat something with the word TURD in it.

Don’t worry. A whale, doused in coleman fuel can burn for 3 minutes without permanent injury, if it doesn’t submerge first… but they always do after 5 seconds 😦

spence.


what’s mine is mine.

When you rent, the landlord asks you to list all the things the that are wrong with the place when you move in… scratch on the cabinet, broken doorknob. I like to throw in a few extra things with the future in mind… That way when I move out and we do the walk-through I can be like, “That was there.”

spence.